I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home."

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The doctor called Mrs. Smith saying, "Mrs. Smith, your check came back." Mrs. Smith replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Why do divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

When I was growing up, I always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

A boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. He asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the husband." The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

A mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"